Waiting

I don't even know how to explain this. It just...aches. I don't know what I did. I don't know how to fix it. Will there be repercussions? Will I have to face the consequences? Is mercy going to come my way? I'm sitting here waiting, just knowing that something is going to happen, but I don't know when, and I don't know what it's going to be. What form will this answer take? I'm so glad that I'm reading the OT right now, because without it I don't think I would be as calm as I am. I'm still a little anxious, still concerned, but I'm trying to surrender it to God. I'm so glad that God has shown me his ability to change the heart of man like He did to Essau. I'm glad that God used Robbie's words to speak to me. "He's not asking me to fix it. He's asking me to trust Him." My mind has no idea what to do, so why does my heart cling on like I can do something? Heart just let go! Heart let go! You can't do anything. It's in God's hands. Why worry? He's amazing and everything happens for the best. Just surrender, o my soul.

Love feels like...

It's the scariest feeling in the world. It's the most exciting feeling in the world. It's the most unnerving feeling in the world. It's the most comforting feeling in the world. It's the most vulnerable feeling in the world. It's the most assuring feeling world. It's the most submissive feeling in the world. It's the most authoritative feeling in the world. I've never let someone in like this. I've never trusted like this. I've never let go like this. I've never surrendered like this. I've never loved liked this. My heart has been robbed, swept out of my chest, and held in someone else's hands. I feel... different. I am different. I'm not me, or at least who most people know as me. I've been changed, remodeled, transformed from the inside out. I feel God's presence in every touch and every tear. I hear God's voice in every word. I see God's light in her soul. I smell God's fragrance in her aura. I taste God's life in every kiss. I have been sent an angel. I have been sent a maiden. I have been sent a woman. I have been sent a daughter. I have been sent a friend. I have been sent a lover. I have been sent my C. 2 are becoming 1. Call me crazy, call me out of control, call me head over heels, call me irrational, call it too early, call me foolish, call me young, call me immature, call me childish, call me impatient, call me anything you want. We'll prove you wrong.

Expectations

I wish that we could just get rid of our expectations. Expectations ruin relationships. Expectations ruin everything really. Expectations are usually completely selfish or preconceived, and they really prevent us from seeing the good in a situation. Take it in relationships for example. If you live with expectations of what that friend is supposed to be, then they will only be seen as good if they meet your expectations; if they fail to meet your expectations then they fail as a friend. How is that even fair? How is it fair to confine a friend, someone you love, into a box of what they should be? Why don't we just accept people for the way they are? People are so amazing in their own regard, but if we have made our judgements about who they should be, it'll be quite easy to overlook how amazing these people are. A relationship, whether spiritual or physical, cannot thrive if they have to live to your expectations.
We should be living in the moment, and part of living in the moment is taking things for how they are and finding something positive about it. Most things will fail to meet your expectations, so why would you want to live a life where you are constantly disappointed? Wouldn't that just be the saddest life imaginable? And wouldn't that blind you from the gifts that God gives us everyday? It's not fair. It's not right. It's judgemental, selfish, and unfair. It bothers me when we do this. I say we because I know that I do this myself. I'm definitely not above anyone in this aspect of my life. I hope that someday we will live a life of expectancy, where we are deeply longing to be with the ones we love, without expectations. It'll be amazing.

Desert Place

I'm so happy that God has revealed Himself to me today. In church we had a speaker talking about how it's not always as simple as getting from Point A to Point B. Sometimes, God makes us go through the desert and wander a little bit. I realized that I'm in one of those spots right now. It's not that I am doing a lot of things wrong or not longing for God, I just feel that way cause I am in a desert spot. I'm in a mode of transformation and I need to just patiently wait for God to transform me into who He wants me to be. I'm so glad that this was revealed to me, cause I was going through a time of pretty deep discouragement. I thought I was doing well but then I felt that maybe I was still doing something wrong, but in reality, this is just a stage of my life where it's just me and God and He's changing my heart. I no longer feel discouraged or inadequate but I know that God is still working in me. It just is a different way with a different feeling that I'm not used to, so of course I think something is wrong naturally. But I know there isn't. God is still smiling on me and moving in me. Praise be to God!

All we need is love.

So this past weekend I got to go home and when I went to church I was absolutely blown away when I was sitting in the pews. I was holding Anna's hand, with Leah next to her and Molly next to Leah. On my right were my parents, and in front of me were the Cartmells. I just looked up and praised God cause I was right where I wanted to be - in the middle of all the people I care about most in the world. It's amazing how God provided me an opportunity to be with all the people that love me most. I can be such a screw up sometimes but these people love me every step of the way. They look beyond what I do and just love me for who I am. It's this kind of love that brings me to my knees and lets me know that God really does care for us. He cares so much that He gave us the capability to love one another. There is no greater gift than the ability to love. I don't know what I would do without love. A lot of times there is nothing left to cling to. Sometimes that is the only thing keeping me up. When the world fades away, the only thing that lasts forever is love, because God is love. Anna gets by through hope. That's her word. Me, I get by through love.

Seek and You shall find

God truly is amazing. When I look at all the things I pray for, I find that there are answers all over the place, some of them what I wanted, some of them not what I wanted, and some of them something completely unexpected but magnificently divine and awesome. God is trying to show me His awesomeness. He is giving me an acute sensitivity to what He's doing so that I can see Him and learn to trust Him. So I can learn to love Him better. So I can get to know Him better. I often find that when I stop seeking after the face of the God of Jacob, I find myself loving God less because I stop thinking about who God is. I stop acknowledging Him in my life and stop seeing how awesome He is. College is a time of a lot of independency and it's a time where I have to choose to pursue my faith. If I'm complacent there isn't Eric or my mom or my dad or my best friend to kick me in the butt to get going. I'll fade and lose this fire that has consumed me. But God is holding my heart and keeping that flame going because I think He has big plans for me. I love how God has big plans for us. Please pray that I can see His plan and be sensitive to His pulling and tugging on my heart.

Disappointment

Why do I have to let people down? Why is it so easy for me to just push others people's wants out of the way and please myself? I can be so dang selfish sometimes. And really, it makes me feel like crap. I hate disappointing people, because when it comes down to it, it's never their fault. I can't pin the blame on them. I can't say that they are being too needy or they are being too clingy, because the fact of the matter is, I said I would do something and then I found some way to make myself feel happy while leaving them hanging. It's just messed up really. I've made a commitment, and I need to hold to that commitment. I don't want to live my life for myself. I don't want to live my individual life. I've made a choice to live it for God and included in that is living for my friends. Included in that is simply saying "Hey guys I need to go back for the night cause I told my girlfriend I would talk with her." Is it really that hard? No, it's not, but I still didn't do it. I was flaky, and that's not fair to her. Hopefully I'll do better. Please pray for me.