Seek and You shall find

God truly is amazing. When I look at all the things I pray for, I find that there are answers all over the place, some of them what I wanted, some of them not what I wanted, and some of them something completely unexpected but magnificently divine and awesome. God is trying to show me His awesomeness. He is giving me an acute sensitivity to what He's doing so that I can see Him and learn to trust Him. So I can learn to love Him better. So I can get to know Him better. I often find that when I stop seeking after the face of the God of Jacob, I find myself loving God less because I stop thinking about who God is. I stop acknowledging Him in my life and stop seeing how awesome He is. College is a time of a lot of independency and it's a time where I have to choose to pursue my faith. If I'm complacent there isn't Eric or my mom or my dad or my best friend to kick me in the butt to get going. I'll fade and lose this fire that has consumed me. But God is holding my heart and keeping that flame going because I think He has big plans for me. I love how God has big plans for us. Please pray that I can see His plan and be sensitive to His pulling and tugging on my heart.

Disappointment

Why do I have to let people down? Why is it so easy for me to just push others people's wants out of the way and please myself? I can be so dang selfish sometimes. And really, it makes me feel like crap. I hate disappointing people, because when it comes down to it, it's never their fault. I can't pin the blame on them. I can't say that they are being too needy or they are being too clingy, because the fact of the matter is, I said I would do something and then I found some way to make myself feel happy while leaving them hanging. It's just messed up really. I've made a commitment, and I need to hold to that commitment. I don't want to live my life for myself. I don't want to live my individual life. I've made a choice to live it for God and included in that is living for my friends. Included in that is simply saying "Hey guys I need to go back for the night cause I told my girlfriend I would talk with her." Is it really that hard? No, it's not, but I still didn't do it. I was flaky, and that's not fair to her. Hopefully I'll do better. Please pray for me.

Angel

It's amazing how when we talk things out, things get solved. I don't know why we bottle up our feelings and pretend like everything's ok. People are hurting so badly all over the place, but they are afraid of being vulnerable. "If weakness is a word that no one wants to speak of, then "cool" is just as far as we have to fall." No one wants to admit they need help. No one wants to admit that they are weak. The outside holds it together, the cracks filled with fake smiles and laughter, the brokenness stabilized by pride. But why is it so hard to tell your best friend that your heart is crumbling to pieces? Why do we let our hearts struggle? Just get it out there! I can honestly say that I've never felt better and more peaceful than after I talk with somebody. The only way your feelings can be healed is if you go get help. I urge you to be honest and open. I urge you to be vulnerable. It's in your vulnerability that God will help. It's in your vulnerability that God can do work in your heart. He came for the sick, not for the ones who think they are healthy. Don't think you are healthy, but recognize that you are deathly ill and in need of healing. I'm guilty of hiding my feelings, but I let them out. I became vulnerable, and God gave me a blessing. God gave me the answer I was seeking. He gave me the love I needed. Thank you God for sending me an angel.

It's

It's the hair that falls in my face. It's the eyes the shimmer in the moonlight. It's the contagious laughter. It's the radiant smile. It's the snorts. It's the hand that completes my jigsaw puzzle. It's the soul that I stare into. It's the whispers. It's the silence. It's the happiness. It's the intoxication. It's the dancing. It's the singing. It's the loving. It's the making of memories. It's the crying. It's the sadness. It's the struggles. It's the triumphs. It's is what I miss.

My Heart Speaks This Time

"I'm so happy. I praise God because He gave me you. And I'm glad it's so obvious that I'm in love with you. It's not an appearance; it is. It's at the core of me. It's at the core of my thoughts. It's at the core of my actions. It's at the core of my feelings. If you stripped everything away from me you would find a heart with an unconditional, desperate longing to love you. And I really hope that others get to experience what I've experienced with you. Otherwise, they are missing out. You are how I know God is alive. You are how I know God is real. You are my blessing. You are my grace. Anna, you are my grace. And I know God is real because He gave you to me. That was a total God thing."

It's Just Not Fair

I really wish I could fast forward in time. That way I could be out of college and done with my education. That way I could get married. That way I could have children. But most importantly, that way I could go out to a place like Africa and preach the Good News. It's just not fair. It's such a social injustice - all the persecution, all the affliction, all the oppression, all the terrorization - no one should have to go through what they have to. And worst of all, through all this, no one has told them of the hope. No one has told them that there's more than our life on earth. No one has told them that God loves them. No one has told them that God sent His son to save them. No one has told them that through all the pain and suffering, through all the disease, through all the abductions, through all the hunger, through all the drought, through all the struggles, God is right there with them. No one has told them that they are forgiven. No one has told them of the joy that comes with knowing Jesus. It's just not fair. And I'm not mad at God; I'm not saying that He is unfair. I'm not saying that He's messing up by making them be under all the circumstances that these people are in. He is carrying out His perfect plan and I know that. But it breaks my heart knowing that these people don't have the hope that I do. It's just not fair. I've been so blessed that God picked me out and showed me His greatness and made me aware of His amazingness. But those people in Uganda... They are my brothers and sisters. And it's not fair for me to hold this hope inside of me and never tell them. It's just not fair. Please, if you are reading this... just pray for those in Uganda. Pray for them fervently. They need God so desperately and they need US so desperately.