Love feels like...

It's the scariest feeling in the world. It's the most exciting feeling in the world. It's the most unnerving feeling in the world. It's the most comforting feeling in the world. It's the most vulnerable feeling in the world. It's the most assuring feeling world. It's the most submissive feeling in the world. It's the most authoritative feeling in the world. I've never let someone in like this. I've never trusted like this. I've never let go like this. I've never surrendered like this. I've never loved liked this. My heart has been robbed, swept out of my chest, and held in someone else's hands. I feel... different. I am different. I'm not me, or at least who most people know as me. I've been changed, remodeled, transformed from the inside out. I feel God's presence in every touch and every tear. I hear God's voice in every word. I see God's light in her soul. I smell God's fragrance in her aura. I taste God's life in every kiss. I have been sent an angel. I have been sent a maiden. I have been sent a woman. I have been sent a daughter. I have been sent a friend. I have been sent a lover. I have been sent my C. 2 are becoming 1. Call me crazy, call me out of control, call me head over heels, call me irrational, call it too early, call me foolish, call me young, call me immature, call me childish, call me impatient, call me anything you want. We'll prove you wrong.

Expectations

I wish that we could just get rid of our expectations. Expectations ruin relationships. Expectations ruin everything really. Expectations are usually completely selfish or preconceived, and they really prevent us from seeing the good in a situation. Take it in relationships for example. If you live with expectations of what that friend is supposed to be, then they will only be seen as good if they meet your expectations; if they fail to meet your expectations then they fail as a friend. How is that even fair? How is it fair to confine a friend, someone you love, into a box of what they should be? Why don't we just accept people for the way they are? People are so amazing in their own regard, but if we have made our judgements about who they should be, it'll be quite easy to overlook how amazing these people are. A relationship, whether spiritual or physical, cannot thrive if they have to live to your expectations.
We should be living in the moment, and part of living in the moment is taking things for how they are and finding something positive about it. Most things will fail to meet your expectations, so why would you want to live a life where you are constantly disappointed? Wouldn't that just be the saddest life imaginable? And wouldn't that blind you from the gifts that God gives us everyday? It's not fair. It's not right. It's judgemental, selfish, and unfair. It bothers me when we do this. I say we because I know that I do this myself. I'm definitely not above anyone in this aspect of my life. I hope that someday we will live a life of expectancy, where we are deeply longing to be with the ones we love, without expectations. It'll be amazing.

Desert Place

I'm so happy that God has revealed Himself to me today. In church we had a speaker talking about how it's not always as simple as getting from Point A to Point B. Sometimes, God makes us go through the desert and wander a little bit. I realized that I'm in one of those spots right now. It's not that I am doing a lot of things wrong or not longing for God, I just feel that way cause I am in a desert spot. I'm in a mode of transformation and I need to just patiently wait for God to transform me into who He wants me to be. I'm so glad that this was revealed to me, cause I was going through a time of pretty deep discouragement. I thought I was doing well but then I felt that maybe I was still doing something wrong, but in reality, this is just a stage of my life where it's just me and God and He's changing my heart. I no longer feel discouraged or inadequate but I know that God is still working in me. It just is a different way with a different feeling that I'm not used to, so of course I think something is wrong naturally. But I know there isn't. God is still smiling on me and moving in me. Praise be to God!

All we need is love.

So this past weekend I got to go home and when I went to church I was absolutely blown away when I was sitting in the pews. I was holding Anna's hand, with Leah next to her and Molly next to Leah. On my right were my parents, and in front of me were the Cartmells. I just looked up and praised God cause I was right where I wanted to be - in the middle of all the people I care about most in the world. It's amazing how God provided me an opportunity to be with all the people that love me most. I can be such a screw up sometimes but these people love me every step of the way. They look beyond what I do and just love me for who I am. It's this kind of love that brings me to my knees and lets me know that God really does care for us. He cares so much that He gave us the capability to love one another. There is no greater gift than the ability to love. I don't know what I would do without love. A lot of times there is nothing left to cling to. Sometimes that is the only thing keeping me up. When the world fades away, the only thing that lasts forever is love, because God is love. Anna gets by through hope. That's her word. Me, I get by through love.